Yesterday Josh and Emerson shared a tender moment. I couldn't hear everything about the conversation they shared, but I heard enough to get an idea. They had been playing a made-up game, something like throwing a ball against the wall and tackling whoever caught it. Ida was in her room changing outfits, one after another as usual. Urban was walking rounds between the two activities deciding exactly where he would be the happiest. I was setting the table before supper when I heard Emerson become tearful because he didn't have any friends at school. It was heartbreaking. Something that I'm sure many mothers hear, and something that I have tried to prepare myself for because that is completely a realistic possibility when kids start school. I really wanted a closer listen so I peeked my head around the corner for a quick second and pulled back again just in time that Emerson didn't see my tears. Josh had him in a big bear hug, listening to his worries, helping him feel as special as possible. I felt so much love for both of them at that very moment.
Over the past few years I have learned buckets about the importance of allowing myself to completely feel my emotions after a period in my life when I focused on not feeling in efforts to guard myself and my family from unknown and hurt. The unknowns about relationships, employment, home ownership, illness, etc. I focused entirely on staying emotionally neutral. I have to say that it is an awful way to live!! And, even though I didn't want to imagine Emerson hurting at school or being lonely in class, I did.....so I could feel what he was feeling and so I would know what he needed from Josh and I to feel better.
About a month or so ago I was emailing a friend about a trial she was experiencing. I shared with her this, something I had been already thinking about before receiving her first email, which I thought was a pretty amazing coincidence:
I think of joy and sorrow as a line:
Joy---------------------------------------------Neutral-----------------------------------------Sorrow
Joy and sorrow are equal distances from neutral. If I let myself feel joy completely (pretend I'm standing on joy) and find myself thrown to sorrow because of heartbreak (pretend I'm now standing on sorrow), I will feel sorrow completely as well. BUT, when I stay neutral, I can't feel joy or sorrow. I would never know what complete joy is unless I understand complete sorrow, and opposite.
I read a blog daily that my sister introduced me to called A Blog About Love. This blog, written by Mara and her husband Danny, focuses on ways to find healing through love despite one's trials, past or present. This blog is AWESOME! It helps me stay focused on a daily basis. They do an incredible job.
When I picked Emerson up from school this afternoon we had a small whisper back and forth about his concerns with school. He seemed upbeat and shared, "Yay, I'm not really worried about that stuff anymore. I think we worked through it." I was SOOO happy to hear that.
